A cry for a Child is Answered

A Raw Snapshot of Life

8 months since my last blog update.

In the previous post, I gave everything I had. It was an uncut, unfiltered, true-to-life view of my struggles with infertility and about the times I’ve screamed, blaming God for denying the deepest desire of my heart. The post sat in my laptop drafts for a year before I even considered posting.

And then a month after I shared my story, my whole life changed.

Mid 2024 through the beginning of 2025 was one of the hardest times in my life. I deal with severe anxiety, and when I am stressed, that makes the anxiety worse. Six years of infertility took their toll on me, and having endless comments from people wondering when I’m going to have kids made me want to pull my hair out until I was bald. I had enough, and my anxiety skyrocketed. I stopped eating, going out, and was barely surviving. My lifelong dream to be a mother was out of reach in my mind, and I was tired of fighting the same fight. I felt like God was feeding my desire but pulling the rug out from under me at the same time.

My husband and close family helped me get back on my feet through love, care, signing up for a counselor, and getting some medication to help with the panic attacks. I processed all I was feeling and talked through a lot of it. Then I finally felt ready to share my struggles through my blog.

Then I got pregnant.

A stared at the pregnancy test, not understanding the positive symbol. It’s always negative. Always.

I didn’t do anything different; we hadn’t sought treatment or changed anything in our lives, but there it was. “You are pregnant.”

I took the test alone, afraid of being crushed in front of my husband and him having to pick up the pieces for me yet again. I just felt better alone so I could feel what I needed to feel and let it pass. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I said a prayer as I lay on the floor waiting for the results. I didn’t believe it would be positive, but I had the mustard seed of faith that reached out to God, asking, “Could you make it positive?”

He said yes. But how could he say yes after so many years of no, no, no?

I didn’t want to get excited; miscarriages, especially for first pregnancies, are so common. I didn’t want to grasp what I thought would be taken away again. I had thoughts of “This is a joke to God. He’s going to give this to me and then take it away. ” I prayed through the dark thoughts, I allowed myself to feel them, and most importantly, I think, I told God how I felt. He knew already, but for my sake, it felt so much better to speak my heart. I didn’t want to call my child by name yet. I didn’t know if I would lose them.

The baby shower came, and we were showered with gifts and hugs from so many people who prayed for years for us. I began to see the village that would help me raise my baby.

I folded tiny clothes while my husband put together the nursery. I still don’t know why God said yes. Why did we have to wait for what felt like an eternity? To suffer and pray and suffer again? Why is this miracle coming now? Now, when I was just starting to pack the dream away and look into other options?

To be able to carry my baby girl has been an experience I’m so blessed to have. To watch her grow bigger and see her little kicks under my skin.

I don’t know why God said yes, but I’m glad he did.

My prayer for you is that your time of ‘yes’ is right around the corner, like mine was when I let go.

“For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20 (ESV)